Two years ago on my 16th birthday, I almost died. I remember all the days’ events as if it was yesterday. I woke up promptly and lethargically at 5:45 like I do every Friday morning for school. The only thing different about this morning was that it was my 16th birthday and I woke to my parents and older brother singing happy birthday to me in various keys, with a big birthday breakfast made just for me. “Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Jamie, happy birthday to you!” they sang in unison, it was dreadful and out of tune but I loved it anyway.
I felt a joyous countenance spread across my face and Edward placed the breakfast tray on my lap. There was a candle sticking in my stack of pancakes which I made a wish on and quickly blew it out. They clapped and my mom kissed my forehead, “Happy birthday, baby,” she whispered in my ear. Edward plopped a green and blue wrapped box next to me on the bed, and walked out the door. Finally, my parents left so I could get ready for school. I quickly shoveled the food into my mouth and ripped open the box. “AHHHHHHHH!!” I screamed shrilly, startling the dogs. Edward was the first one to show up in my doorway.
“Happy birthday!” he said, pulling me into a stalwart bear hug.
“You got me a CAR!”
“Well, mom and dad are getting me a new one, you get the old mustang.” I stared at him for a while in shock, not too sure what to say next. “Well,” he started, “we better get ready for school. Don’t want to be late!” he sauntered toward my door but paused when I sighed.
“This, is going to be a very good day. I can feel it.” I said. He smiled at me and walked down the hall to his room.
It took me longer to get ready than normal because of the nerves. I wasn’t too sure what to wear, so I pulled on my favorite jeans and a new shirt I got from my cousin. Car keys in hand, I skipped down the stairs into the kitchen where Edward was waiting for me.
“You wanna drive?” he questioned, as if he had to ask.
“Yes!” I said a little too quickly. He laughed opening the door for me. I stalked out onto the lawn pausing to feel a soft eddy blow back my hair. In the driveway I could see the red mustang. Someone had put a pink ribbon on it as if it was new. I ran to the driver seat and jumped in, ignoring the handle on the door. Edward chuckled as he raced to grab shot gun and hopped in the car.
I felt the silent car suddenly come to life as I turned the key in the ignition. It shook under me and I turned to smile at Edward. I turned up my favorite station and deftly pulled out of my driveway. “Eeeh!” I yelped out of excitement. I saw Edward smile out of the corner of my eye.
“You like it?” he asked.
“Yes! I love it thank you sooooo much. This is the best birthday present ever!” and it really was the best birthday present ever, I think everyone in my school would concur that a red mustang convertable is the best birthday present any 16 year old could get. "All my friends will abhor me," I thought to myself. I had a strange compunction in the pit of my stomach as I drove over the escarpment to the end of our street; the busiest intersection in all of Los Angles. The light was green for me so I went right through not looking for any traffic from the right or left. Just as my favorite song came on, Edward yelled, “JAMIE! Watch out!” at first I had no idea what he was talking about. I was driving on the right side of the road and I didn’t miss a stop sign. I was only going 30 mph on a 35, what was wrong? Then suddenly I looked to my left and there it was, the big ‘watch out’. There was a huge truck coming right at me and it didn’t look like they had any intention of stopping.
I capriciously slammed on the brake, stalling the car and lurching us forward. Almost instantaneously the truck rammed into the front end of my new car. Just then everything went black. I heard the faint sounds of sirens and the effluvia of gasoline and blood as I slipped into unconsciousness.
I guess it was a few hours until I woke up again, I was in a white hospital room and I could hear the beeping of the various monitors on the wall behind me. My mom was sitting in the chair in the corner of the room.
“Mom?” I managed feeble, “what happened?”
“Oh Jamie! I was so scared, are you alright?”
“Yes mom, I’m fine. I just have an awful headache and my arms and legs hurt. What happened?”
“Honey, you got in a car accident on your way to school. It wasn’t your fault, the guy in the other lane didn’t stop.”
“Oh my gosh, is Edward ok?” I started to remember what happened and realized Edward was in the car with me.
“Yes, he’s fine. He just has a broken leg. The doctors are putting a cast on him right now. Are you sure you’re alright?”
“Yeah, what’s wrong with me? Like, what injuries do I have?”
“The doctors say you have a concussion and you broke some ribs. Your left elbow is fractured and both your legs are broken. They said they had to wait till you woke up to put on any casts, but your on tons of pain meds which will probably make you fall back asleep any second.”
“Mom, I don’t want to go back to sleep. I want to see Edward.”
“Ok, I’ll make sure you see him right when you wake up again.”
“But mom…” and that was it, I was out cold.
Now, on my 18th birthday, I look back on that irrevocable, fateful day exactly two years ago. I think to myself, “I should’ve died. The accident was in the paper the next day questioning how I was still alive. I shouldn’t still be living, I should be dead right now.” But then I realized, I’m alive because I’m meant to be in this world. Someone kept me here for some reason and for that, I am truly thankful.
9 comments:
The main conflict in Erin's story was that Jamie had just gotten her new car in an accident on her 16th birthday and nearly died, which was an external conflict. This conflict was resolved because Jamie and her brother Edward ended up mostly okay in the hospital. I would say that I was very interested in this resolution because she set up the reader well and made me care about the outcome of the characters. The only thing that I might add to make this more dramatic would be to maybe give a little more description of the crash itself just to get the reader to feel like they are really there.
In the beginning of the story, the main character Jamie is sort of a typical teenage girl with most things going for her and not too much concern. After the accident, she seems to be more aware of how fragile her life is and how quickly it can end. Her biggest change is that she realizes that she probably should have died ion the day of the accident, but some higher power wanted to keep her here. If Jamie didn't experience this change, then the ending of the story would have been much less dramatic because she wouldn't have learned anything about her safety or anything.
My favorite part of Erin's story was in the exposition, when Jamie first got up on the morning of her birthday to her family singing to her. I mostly liked it because she used a lot of great description in this part of the story to give the reader an idea of the character's appearance and personality before plunging into the conflict. "I felt a huge smile spread across my face and Edward placed the breakfast tray on my lap. There was a candle sticking in my stack of pancakes which I made a wish on and quickly blew it out. They clapped and my mom kissed my forehead, “Happy birthday, baby,” she whispered in my ear." This quote stood out to me because it shows that Jamie has a very loving and happy family, and even her brother is really nice to her on her birthday.
I thin that the best part of this story was probably the characters because even after only short descriptions of them, I felt like I really knew a lot about both Jamie and Edward. Their strong brother-sister relationship was clearly evident, and this also showed with Jamie's immediate concern for her brother's well-being.
The theme of this short story is that life is very unexpected and you should never take anything for granted. This becomes more clear as the story develops, and in the end it is obvious because Erin refers to Jamie two years after the accident talking about how she could have died.
The only piece of advice that I have for Erin's story is that maybe she could add a bit more description in the climax of the story during the accident. I think that this would give the reader a more accurate picture of what really happened that day. Other than that, good job Erin!!!
the main conflict of your story was that jamie, who just turned 16, just got a new car for her sweet sixteen. Then, she crashed it on one of the busiest intersections in L.A. the conflict was resolved when her and Ed woke up ok in the hospital. this conflict greatly affected the plot of the story.
she changed because she became more aware of her surroundings. she realized that she could have died in that car crash. even some of the doctors said that she should have died in the crash, but some "high power" wanted her to stay alive on the Earth. if she did not change, than the ending of the story would be a very different one.
my favorite part of the story was when she woke up. I was really hoping that she was going to be ok, and when she woke up, i was just so happy. "I guess it was a few hours until I woke up again, I was in a white hotel room and I could hear the beeping of the various monitors on the wall behind me. My mom was sitting in the chair in the corner of the room." i thought that she was going to die from the crash, so it stood out to me.
i think the best quality was how Erin was not too vague in some parts and was not to descriptive in other. but i think that you could have described the mustang a little bit more though.
i think that the theme of Erin's story is life is precious, so don't waste it. she knew that she should have died, but ever since, she has been living her life to the fullest. She is not going to let one bad day bring her whole life down.
A couple of changes that i would make to Erin's story is to describe some events a little bit more. like, you could describe what the mustang looks like, the color, stuff like that. you also could describe what Jamie was thinking right before the car got hit. did her life flash before her eyes, or was it all normal. i believe making these changes will make the story that much better.
The conflict in the story was Jamie got a new car for her 16th birthday but then got in a car accident. The conflict was external. The conflict was resolved when Jamie and Edward ended up for the most part O.K. I was invested in the resolution of the conflict because you made me care about Jamie and I could connect with her. To make the story more dramatic you could write a little more about the car accident itself.
Jamie changes over the course of the story. At first Jamie is a average teenager, but once she gets into the car accident she is more aware of her life and how fast it can be taken away. Jamie’s epiphany is when she realizes that mostly everyone thought she wouldn’t survive but a powerful source wanted her to stay on Earth. The change is important to the story because without the story would be boring and would get the readers attention.
My favorite part of the story is the exposition when you meet Jamie and her family. My favorite line is the first line; “Two years ago on my 16th birthday, I almost died.” It catches the readers attention a makes you wonder what the author means by that.
The best quality of the story was the characters. You could feel the family love and since Jamie is around our age it is easy to connect with her.
The story’s theme is that you should never take anything for granted. Jamie realizes that she should have died and it was a miracle that she was still alive today and should never take life for granted.
The one thing that you should do before Mr. BG grades it is add your vocabulary words, but you already know that. It is a really good story! I LOVE YOU!!
The conflict of erins story was an external conflict, in which after Jamie recieved her new car for her 16th birthday she got into a car accident and went unconscious. It was resolved when she ended up at the hospital and found out her and her brother were ok. I was interested in the resolution because she left the ending of the car crash open to many kinds of endings, and was eager to see what happened. I think the climax is not as dramatic as it could be, and comes down very quickly. As katie says, maybe adding more description to the crash it self, and right when she wakes up at the hospital (possibly getting checked out by the nurses, and something they say triggers her memory of edward) would make the story more dramatic.
In the begining of the story, Jamie is a regular girl who migh take what she has for granted, and doesnt seem to be concerned about lifes unpredictability. After the car crash, and the end of the story at her 18th birthday, Jamie realized that life IS unpredictable and she was supposed to die that day, but because she is alive today, she will not take life for granted. This change is important to the story because the car crash is the main event and is also what changes her. If this was not in the story, then the crash would have been meaningless, and left her life unchanged and that is usually not the case in real life.
My favorite part of the story was in the exposition, when erin described Jamies Birthday morning. This is because she does a great job introducing the characters, and is also very descriptive. Just then everything went black. "I heard the faint sounds of sirens as I slipped into unconsciousness." I liked this quote because it shows erin's good description and narration. Overall, i think the best quality was the story arc. This is because despite the word count the plot was well developed and interesting and had just the right amount of description and still move the story forward. The theme is that life is unpredictable, so you should never take for granted what you have. At the begining of the story she plants the theme by going right into what happened, and saying how it was no ordinary day when she almost died.
To improve this story, i would build up the climax more and be more description right before, during, and right after. i would also try to describe locations more, and although it is currently good, character relationships should be a bit stronger.
great job! <3
VOCABULARY!!
Lethargic : adj., tired or sluggish
- I used this to describe how Jamie woke up on her birthday.
Stalwart : adj., strong.
-I used this to describe how Edward pulled Jamie into a bear hug.
Escarpment : n., a steep slope
-I used this to decribe the hill at the end of Jamie's street.
Deftly : adv., with skill
-I used this to describe how she pulled out of the driveway.
Eddy : n., air wind or current
-I used this to describe how the wind was blowing on Jamie's hair.
Shrill : adj., a sharp, piercing sound
-I used this to describe what Jamie's screams sounded like.
Concur : v., to agree
-I used this to show how Jamie's friends would agree with her.
Abhor : v., to loath or detest
-I used this as a more interesting word than hate/detest.
Capricious : adj., impulsive
-I used this word to describe how Jamie slammed on the brake.
Feeble : adj., weak or fraile
-I used this to describe how Jamie talked to her mom after the accident.
Irrevocably : adj., something that cannot be changed
-I used this to describe how Jamie would never forget the accident.
Countenance : n., expression
-I used this to describe what Jamie's face looked like when her parents and brother sang to her.
Compunction : n., uneasy feeling
-I used this to describe how Jamie felt when she pulled out of the driveway.
Effluvia : n., offensive smell
-I used this to describe what the air smelt like after the accident.
The biggest change i made from the first draft of my short story was that i rewrote the whole thing with a different plot and setting and different characters and everything about my second draft was different.
I think i did a really good job using the 14 vocab words. I think i placed them stratigecally throughout my short story and they emphasize the most important parts.
I didn't really use any editing process. I wrote my first draft and wasnt happy with it because it was very scattered. So in my second draft i went a completely different way with it and went from there. I used the comment people made about my essay to make adjustments and then used that as my final draft.
Advice i would give to future students writing this essay is to make sure you have a plan. Right when you get the assignment start planing your story because the process is very time consuming so the more time you have to right your essay, the better.
AUTHOR'S NOTES :
I would like my reader to know that its important to cherish life while you have it because in a split second it canbe taken right from you. I would like them to know that they shouldn't stress all the small stuff and live your life how you want to and dont let anyone get in your way.
I think my plot works really well with getting the theme across. I wrote my fuirst draft and wasn't too happy with the outcome. So i took a different attack at it the second time and instead of letting my thoughts flow onto the paper, i thought through what i wanted my story to be like and then wrote in a more structured form. But once i figured that out it was really easy.
What was really hard for me was ending my story and wrapping it up in a way that wasnt too ubrupt or vague, but in a way that would get my theme across and make the reader think about what happened and maybe what didnt. I encountered problems when i had to put the voacb words into my story. It wasnt the best idea to wait till i was done writing to fit the words in my story.
I would like to know how i could wrap up the ending without making it awkward or seem out of place or too abrupt and vague. I would like to know how i can fit my vocab words in without sounding dumb for trying to sound smart and without havng to rewrite too much just to fit them in.
Nicely done Erin!!
I. The main conflict in the story is that Jamie got into a car accident. Its an external conflict. This is resolved by her surviving the crash and her and her brother being fine. The resolution was good because it really made me feel. The only tip i can give you to make it more dramatic is to talk more about the crash and add more detail about it.
II. The character changes by in the beggining she is having trouble with the memory and she feels like she should of died and then she realizes that she made it through the accident for a reason.
It she didnt change like how she did there wouldnt even really be a story and that would of been boring.
III. My favorite part of the story was in the beggining how she started off the story. This took place in the exposition. "Two years ago on my 16th birthday, I almost died. I remember all the days’ events as if it was yesterday." i like this part because it just starts off with a hook and you immedietly get into it.
IV. The best quality was character. I really was able to feel what the character was feeling and this really made the story enjoyable and i really liked reading this.
V. The theme of the story i think is that everything happens for a reason. The point that brought me to this conclusion was that she survived the car crash when she should of died so she survived for a reason.
VI. I think the thing you should fix is add more about the car accident. I really think you need that.
1. The external conflict in the story was that Jamie got a new car, and then almost kicked the bucket. It was resolved when she and her brother survived and were in the hospital. I was concerned to see if Jamie would survive, and the writing made me feel as such. The story could have been better if the description had been a little bit more verbose.
Jamie started out as a normal teenager, and ended up much more aware with how quickly life can end. The accident was the moment where she had her epiphany. If Jamie hadn't survived the accident, she would have stayed as an ignorant, dull teenager.
My favorite part of Erin's story was in the exposition, when Jamie got up on her birthday and her family was singing. The description was great, and it set up a storyline quite well. Plus, I can relate to such an experience, as my parents did this on my 6th.
The best quality of the story was the characters. The descriptions made me know a lot about them. Plus, i really got a feel for how they would act.
The theme was never take life for granted. YOu should live life as if every day was your last. Jamie survived the accident, and she became a better person.
To improve this story, i would make the climax greater and be more description right before, during, and right after. More descriptions would also be helpful. However, good story.
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